


Piss Off

by Lasgalendil



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Archivist Jonathan Sims, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Awkward Conversations, Banter, Canon Asexual Character, Crack, F/F, Frenemies, I Blame Tumblr, I would die for Martin Blackwood, Kink Shaming, M/M, Martin Blackwood is a Sweetheart, Sexual Humor, Teasing, mention of urolagnia, mention of urophilia, past Jonathan Sims/Georgie Barker, sex positivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23225635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasgalendil/pseuds/Lasgalendil
Summary: “Are you seriously sex positivity counseling the monster right now!”
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 12
Kudos: 128





	Piss Off

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [you know when jon was trying to get info from that traffic cop](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/569494) by Sarah, She/Her, banned in most countries. 



> someone had to

The flesh beast attacked them in the cottage in Scotland. Georgie stood in front of Melanie, The Admiral in her arms. Daisy and Basira both had their hands on their guns.

“Stay back,” Jon strode forward. “I’ve got this." His voice crackled as he Compelled it,“ _Tell me your worst fear_.”

And the Flesh avatar answered: “I live in mortal terror my co-workers and family will find out about my massive piss kink.”

…Silence.

“I do _not_ have this.” Jon said. “Can um, can anyone else—?”

“I mean, it’s not anything to be ashamed about.” Martin piped in. “Sexuality’s really complicated.”

Everyone stared.

“Are you seriously sex positivity counseling _the monster_ right now!” Melanie cried.

“No—yes. Look, I just don’t want him to think we don’t _accept_ him—“

“Wait,” Georgie asked, unable to feel fear. “Are we talking about the monster right now or are we talking about Jon?”

“Yes? No?” Martin said. “Both, maybe. My point is we shouldn’t judge—“

“That’s all well and good but it’s trying _to kill us_!” Melanie interrupted as the flesh beast gave a thundering roar. Long strings of saliva flew from its many mouths.

“No, you’re right,” Martin paled. “We should kill it. Okay.”

“Daisy?” Jon asked faintly.

“On it.” In the end she shot the monster three times in its head. In _each_ of its heads. Then she set it on fire in the back garden for good measure. There was an occasional loud pop! or crack!ing sound, but it was difficult to tell if it was the bones and fat bursting or if she’d needed to employ more munitions.

“Everyone alright?” Basira checked in with them.

“Yeah. Fine.” Melanie said. “No casualties but Martin’s dignity.”

“We can’t just… _sex shame_ someone,” Martin protested. “Even if we had to kill them because they were trying to kill us. It feels _wrong_.”

“Or you could just say you’ve a massive piss kink.” Melanie gloated.

“I don—look, whether I do or do not that’s _beside_ the point. People should be able to like what they like.”

“Massive.” Melanie pressed. “Massive. Piss kink.”

“I’m thirty-one and I happen to write fanfic!” Martin exclaimed. “Okay? With BDSM and all sorts kinks and, and _polyamory_ even though it’s nothing I’m interested in exploring in real life! Not that it’s any of your business!”

Melanie blinked.

“There.” Martin exhaled. “There. I said it. And you know what? It’s fine. It’s fine to _like_ or _not like_ things! Your sexuality’s _your_ business, _perhaps_ your partners’, _no one_ _else’s_.”

“GYN?” Georgie wondered, petting The Admiral absently.

“Okay, yes.” Martin frowned. “Your provider, too. _Technically_.”

“Provider’s the only one if you’re dating Jon.” Melanie grinned.

“Which is an example of exactly the sort of sexuality shaming attitude I’m talking about, _thank you_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Jon, to Melanie’s therapist: So I was attacked by a rampaging flesh monster with a massive piss kink and it got me wondering, does coming here and reliving my own trauma count as an act of cannibalism?
> 
> Therapist, who does not get paid enough for this shit: …


End file.
